So here it goes. I am still scared. My heart sinks every time I think of it.
I imagine how I will ask my manager to talk to him for a minute next Monday (yep, I want to do it then… well, maybe Tuesday), and then imagine how we’ll go into a meeting room, sit down, have some obligatory chit-chat and then I’ll break the news… and my heart sinks.
And I just don’t know why. During these last few days I’ve been buried in my new business-related work. It’s a lot of work, and I feel frustrated at times, but it still feels very exciting and I am totally absorbed by it! And then… this fear I don’t want to be feeling.
It’s not the fear of leaving as such – I am very excited about that. It’s the fear of having the conversation. And I couldn’t put my finger on why I would be feeling that way.
So I googled for advice. The search turned up Penelope Trunk’s very old blog post which explained exactly why people might feel like that before they announce their departure at work. Turns out, it’s all to do with assertiveness (which I am often struggling with) and – most importantly – shifting the balance of power from your boss telling you what to do to you telling them what you are going to do.
I’ve already been in a similar situation a few months ago. I asked for a meeting and told my boss I can no longer lend my equipment to the company without being compensated for it. It was a fair request, but it was hard work coming up with courage to ask for it (it took me MONTHS!). But I’ve done it and got my compensation (could’ve gotten more… but was too scared to ask for more… scared of the questioning and having to explain every single pound I was requesting).
So okay. Assertiveness and power shifts. Explains it.
Now how am I going to get over it? I googled some more and read other people’s stories about experiencing the same sort of fear mixed with hesitation when they approach telling their boss they are leaving.
One theme that repeated itself in all those stories was people feeling very loyal to the company (or to their boss). Being loyal makes it so much harder to leave. I am pretty loyal too (despite being paid peanuts for saving the company thousands of pounds… but that’s not the point). I’ve learnt a lot since I’ve joined, they’ve been pretty supportive of my desire to do what I like and not to do what I don’t. I am constantly thinking that they won’t be able to find a replacement who would be able to do as much for the money offered.
But the question is: would the company be as loyal to me had they decided it was time to let me go? Or if they needed to make my position redundant? Whatever loyalty they may feel, business is business and business decisions often have no place for loyalty.
So I need to start thinking as a business person. What is in the best interests of my business – that is, myself? Is it to stay (and annoy my friends for another 10 years about not being paid what I am worth and dreaming of having my own business) or is it to go?
A recent example: one of our pretty valuable members of the team just left to work for a competitor (well, kinda). He was loyal to the company since the very beginning, in 2001. And yet he didn’t hesitate to leave when he decided he didn’t like it anymore. Why should I?
So my answer is: to go. That’s my business decision. No hard feelings. The best thing I can do is to offer to come in on a freelance basis every now and again (but not every week) if they are struggling. Good for me, good for them (well, better if I just told them to sod off).
Now with that in mind, where’s my Paul McKenna’s Instant Confidence CD?
